Daisy’s story
My partner and I decided to start trying for a baby and were very lucky to fall pregnant quite quickly. I had morning sickness but I was never sick – a very normal and healthy pregnancy. I never made a birth plan to save disappointment and my midwife fully supported this.
We went to our local free antenatal group. Myself and my partner thought it was a complete waste of time. They explained things like c-sections and forceps didn’t really ever happen. There was a lot of false information about childbirth and what having a baby was like. They almost dressed it up to be something it wasn’t. The women who ran the antenatal class tried and push onto you what they think you should do as far as breast feeding.
Towards the end of my pregnancy I was fed up, like every woman due to have a baby. I spent most evenings on the exercise ball bouncing trying to drink raspberry tea (disgusting).
I had a sweep 4 days before Emily was born. The day before I had Emily I woke at 5 am with period-like pains. I was pretty calm most of the morning. My mum and dad came over and we made some soup and went for a walk. I had contractions most of the day and then towards evening they got more intense and closer together. My partner was with me throughout holding my hand.
At around 11:30pm we went to the hospital as the pain had got worse and the contractions were closer together. I rang ahead and they said to come in and I could get checked over. The lovely nurses got me settled and the midwife checked how dilated I was – I was 3cm, Emily was in the perfect position and they said I was fine to go home. Although I only lived 15mins down the road I felt petrified to leave the hospital. The midwife agreed to run me a bath and I could stay.
I had a hot bath. My partner kept pouring water over me and I felt quite relaxed and calm. After an hour I decided to get out the bath and I was shown to a room.
I kept bouncing on the exercise ball the midwife gave me. By this time the midwife had finished her shift and I had another midwife. As my labour progressed I asked for pain relief. I was given pethidine with anti sickness medication as I had heard it can make you feel very sick. Personally pethidine worked really well for me and really took the edge off of the pain.
A few hours on....
My waters hadn't broken at all and the midwife decided to break them for me. I then began to feel that I needed to push.
At this point I was on the bed and had the most incredible pain in my back. There was a lot of pressure which I though was just part of labour. (I later found out that Emily was back to back.)
They thought my bladder was stopping Emily from getting out so the midwife asked me to go for a wee, which meant my partner holding a cardboard dish beneath me. Unfortunately my partner got all sorts of words yelled at him as I then needed to push so he had to remove the cardboard bowl quickly.
After 2 hours of pushing I was getting very tired – my back was in a lot of pain. The midwife then explained that I need a bit of help to get Emily out as she seemed to be stuck. They were going to try forceps. A lot of people began to come into the room which is very scary: one minute you are relaxed and progressing with labour and the next the room is filled with medical staff. At this point I felt like I was completely out of control. The pain of contractions was awful and I had no control of the situation. I felt that somebody else was going to do something that my body should be able to do. My partner held my hand the entire time. I knew at this point if they couldn't get her out it would result in a c-section (I have found out since they only try forceps if they are confident they can get the baby out). At that point I was screaming at them to give me a c-section. My legs were put in stirrups which I hated, and the doctor began to inject me ready for them to cut me prior to the forceps. The doctor explained that Emily would be here in the next 15 minutes.
I remember laying there feeling petrified and happy that this was about to all be over. On my next push they pulled Emily out and she was born at 13:42. She came out back-to-back with one arm up like Superman. A paediatrician was in the room. I held Emily for what felt like a second and she was taken off of me. She lay on the scales looking round at me and my partner not making a peep; she finally let out the biggest cry. I then delivered the placenta (afterbirth) and was stitched up. I was then able to hold Emily again and she latched on straight away.
The next 3 hours were perfect – we had a happy healthy baby I was able to breast feed. I kept asking to go home but they said to wait a few hours.
Myself and my partner were sat enjoying our new baby girl taking pictures. I mentioned to a midwife I felt like I was weeing but had no control – a kind of warm sensation between my legs. The emergency buzzer was pressed.
The next thing I knew the room was again filled with a lot of doctors and nurses. Emily was taken off me and passed to my partner who sat to the right of me holding Emily. I was haemorrhaging – I could feel the blood pumping out of me. My legs were put back in stirrups. To find the bleed they had to go back in where I had been stitched. I was being injected in each arm. I had gas and air to cope with the pain. My midwife stood next to my bed the whole time holding my hand.
I remember laying there smiling at my partner who looked petrified and unfortunately for him, he was sat with a full view of everything they we having to do. For some reason I kept saying it’s okay. I knew in my head it was not okay.
The doctors and nurses who worked on me used lots of medical words while rushing to stop the bleed. At one point they discussed about getting to theatre to stop the bleed. I remember lying there thinking I was going to die. I hoped my partner could look after Emily on his own and I thought if I don't make it we both had family around to help him. Thankfully they stopped it.
I found out after that when cutting me before having the forceps the doctor must have caught a blood vessel. I lost a lot of blood – just under the amount you would need for a blood transfusion.
After I was stable, I was very tearful. I just wanted my mum to come in and tell me it was all okay. I kept thinking my body kept doing what I didn't want it to do and it could do it again. I still felt I had no control over what was happening. My partner was in absolute shock. He had seen everything, the pad under me that was soaked in blood, them injecting me to try and get me pain relief all while holding our little girl, not able to do anything to help me. My partner rang my mum and dad and they came in straight away, my dad had to wait in the waiting room as I was only allowed one visitor. I always remember my mum coming in and her calming smile as she rushed over to me and gave me a hug. My mum was so selfless. I know she was so excited to meet her new grandchild but her priority was me – she knew that something had gone wrong but neither me or my partner fully understood or could get the words out to explain what had happened. I have always felt like I took a special moment away from my parents on meeting their first grandchild although my mum has always reassured me that I didn't, she always explains that I am her baby and she needed to check I was okay first.
Shortly after my mum left I was allowed onto a ward. I wanted a private room but I wasn't allowed due to the amount of blood I had lost. I had a bed by the window. It was nearly midnight at this point.
My partner left not long after and Emily decided to sick up all the milk I had given her, I was now struggling to breastfeed. I was tired, very emotional and in a lot of shock and pain. Throughout the night the midwives weren't a lot of help. I asked for help with breastfeeding but I didn't really get the support I needed. At one point I just sat and cried. I had to press a buzzer every time I needed to pick Emily up as I was in so much pain. In the end I just laid Emily up my chest and we cuddled I felt so lucky to be holding her.
The next morning my partner came back. We went to the tea room to get a cup of tea and toast. I had a catheter fitted the day before just after I haemorrhaged, and while waiting for my toast I felt a warm sensation down my leg just like the day before. I panicked and asked my partner to get some help. A nurse came over and told me to go to the bathroom. Thankfully on my way another nurse had seen I was very upset and came with me. Where I had the catheter fitted I was also having a period from having Emily and the catheter was pulling my underwear to one side so the blood was just trickling down my leg. I then cleaned myself up with the help of a nurse and went back to bed.
Later that day my partner went back home to collect some more things, a lady came round to discuss what had happened to me, I burst into tears and I slowly told her what had happened and how horrific it made me feel. I asked her to hold Emily while I cried but she would take her from me. I think she knew I needed to hold my baby and let out how I was feeling. In the afternoon my parents and sister visited as well as my partner’s parents. I was then discharged later that day. I felt awful but I just wanted to be at home. I was still struggling with breastfeeding as well. I told nurses I was fine to go home and that if I felt unwell or needed anything I would call. I know I shouldn't have left but I felt like I had just been in a nightmare.
When I got home my nipples were both bleeding and it was the only bit of pain I could take away. I decided to bottle feed at this point. I needed a lot of help moving and that was one thing I could get my partner to help with.
This was the best decision for me and my baby and I don't regret it at all.
The next day the community midwife came round to my house and noticed Emily was slightly tanned looking. She advised us that we needed to get Emily back to get checked for jaundice. She also hadn't had hearing tests as it was a bank holiday when I had her.
The midwife checked me over and checked my stitches for me. She explained that my downstairs was completely black from bruising. My partner went with my mum back to the hospital, I felt like the worst mum. I wasn't able to go back because I was in so much pain and every time I stood up I felt faint. My dad sat with me just in case I did pass out. My partner and mum came back with Emily, and my mum watched Emily while we had a nap. Every time I closed my eyes I felt like I was back in the room with blood pumping out of me watching them carry away the pad soaked in blood.
After a couple of weeks, I had to go to the doctors. I had an infection where I was stitched and one of the stitches hadn't dissolved so they pulled it out for me.
I had awful flashbacks for weeks afterward and really struggled to think I was a good mum. I couldn't do simple things like sitting up in bed to feed her, even things like standing up and holding her. I went back to my doctor two times and explained that I was struggling to come to terms with what had happened that day and she explained that it was my hormones.
I went back to my local hospital who offered a service where they talked through what happened on that day and gave us the opportunity to ask questions. I found out that day Emily was back-to-back but turned during labour. I asked if at any point my life was in danger, she explained that it wasn’t but she can’t take away a feeling I had. She understood why I felt like that. For a while it really helped and it was a comfort that I wasn't going to die.
After talking to a very good friend she told me about a wellbeing service in my area. When I first called them I was scared they would think I was an awful mother.
Speaking to a counsellor really helped me. She referred me to the BTA site. It was so hard telling somebody what happened that day. I still struggle to watch anything with blood or any kind of birth scene. Going into a hospital was very hard but I have forced myself. I have always felt I wasn't the best mum right at the start and I never fully enjoyed motherhood for the first few months but my partner was brilliant. I will never forget what happened that day but with my family's support and talking about what happened it has helped.
My partner has also struggled with what happened that day and often finds it hard to talk about. Everything that happened to us brought us closer together and stronger.
I have never felt there was anyone to blame for what happened to me. I just struggled to understand why this happened.
Anyone who tells you motherhood is easy is lying. It's the hardest job in the world but the most rewarding. Almost 2 years on we have the happiest little girl and I feel lucky to have such a healthy family.
